Growing up, you might have heard things like:
- “You always have to do things your way.”
- “Why do you question everything?”
- “You’re so stubborn and difficult.”
- “You don’t respect authority.”
Maybe teachers, parents, or other adults in your life saw you as “challenging,” “argumentative,” or even “disrespectful.” Maybe you got in trouble a lot for things that didn’t make sense to you, asking too many questions, correcting an adult, refusing to do something that felt uncomfortable, or simply reacting in a way that people didn’t like.
And yet, what they saw as “defiance” was actually autism.
This is the reality for so many Black autistic people. Instead of being recognized as neurodivergent, we were labeled as “troublemakers.” Instead of getting support, we were punished. And this misinterpretation of our behavior had real consequences, ones that still affect many of us today.
1. The Intersection of Autism and Blackness
Autism has never been understood in a culturally neutral way. The traditional image of an autistic person, quiet, socially awkward, obsessive about a particular interest, was based mostly on white children, especially boys. Because of this, autistic Black kids were often overlooked or misunderstood in ways that led to harsher treatment.
→ If a white autistic child didn’t make eye contact, they were seen as “shy.”
→ If a Black autistic child didn’t make eye contact, they were seen as “disrespectful.”
→ If a white autistic child refused to do an assignment, they were seen as struggling with executive dysfunction.
→ If a Black autistic child refused to do an assignment, they were seen as defiant.
→ If a white autistic child questioned a rule, they were seen as curious.
→ If a Black autistic child questioned a rule, they were seen as challenging authority.
Because Black children are often expected to be obedient and well-mannered, anything that deviated from that was framed as a behavior issue… not a neurodivergence.
2. Why We Were Labeled as Defiant
■ We Questioned Authority
Many autistic people need things to make sense. If a rule seemed unfair or illogical, we asked why. If an adult gave conflicting instructions, we pointed it out. But in many Black households and schools, questioning authority wasn’t tolerated.
■ We Struggled with Transitions and Unexpected Changes
A sudden change in plans? A last-minute switch in the routine? That’s hard for autistic brains. But instead of recognizing that we needed structure, many adults assumed we were just being difficult on purpose.
■ We Had Sensory Sensitivities
Loud noises, itchy clothes, strong smells… autistic sensory sensitivities can make everyday environments unbearable. But instead of being given accommodations, we were told:
- “It’s not that loud, stop exaggerating.”
- “Eat what’s on your plate.”
- “You’re just being picky.”
When we reacted strongly to sensory discomfort, it was seen as overreacting, being difficult, or being spoiled.
■ We Didn’t Always Understand Social Expectations
Autistic people often struggle with social norms, tone of voice, and unspoken rules. But instead of being given guidance, many of us were just punished for getting it wrong. Maybe we spoke too bluntly, didn’t know when to stop talking about something we loved, or missed sarcasm, and instead of support, we got labeled as “rude” or “talking back.”
■ We Masked Until We Couldn’t Anymore
Some of us learned early to hide our autistic traits to avoid getting in trouble. But masking can only last so long. When we hit a breaking point, whether through shutdowns, meltdowns, or just refusing to comply anymore, it was often seen as an attitude problem instead of autistic burnout.
3. The Consequences of Being Mislabeled
■ Higher Rates of Punishment
Studies show that Black children are disciplined at much higher rates than white children, even for the same behaviors. If a Black autistic child was struggling in school, they were more likely to be sent to detention, suspended, or even expelled instead of being evaluated for neurodivergence.
■ School-to-Prison Pipeline
Many Black children who were mislabeled as “defiant” ended up in behavioral intervention programs, alternative schools, or even juvenile detention centers. Instead of receiving the support they needed, they were criminalized.
■ Internalized Shame
Hearing for years that you’re “too much,” “too difficult,” or “too stubborn” can make you believe that something is wrong with you. Many of us grew up thinking we were just “bad kids” or “failures” because no one recognized our autism.
4. Reframing Our Past: You Weren’t Defiant… You Were Autistic
If you’re realizing that your “defiance” was actually autism, here’s what you need to know:
✓ You weren’t difficult… you were misunderstood.
✓ You weren’t stubborn… you needed structure and clarity.
✓ You weren’t disrespectful… you communicated differently.
✓ You weren’t lazy… you struggled with executive function.
✓ You weren’t broken… you were always autistic.
And now, you have the language to understand what happened.
5. Moving Forward: How Do We Unlearn the Damage?
Many of us still carry the weight of being misjudged. The good news? We don’t have to keep believing the lies we were told about ourselves.
❤ Recognize that your needs were valid. If no one gave you space to express them as a child, give yourself that space now.
❤ Challenge the internalized shame. You weren’t bad or broken. You were autistic in a world that didn’t understand you.
❤ Allow yourself to unmask safely. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone anymore.
❤ Advocate for the next generation. Whether it’s speaking up for autistic kids in your family or educating others, your experience can help prevent others from going through the same thing.
If you were ever labeled “defiant,” know this: You were never the problem. The problem was a world that refused to see you for who you truly were.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey.