Socializing can feel like being thrown into a play where everyone else knows their lines, their cues, and exactly how to improvise… but no one gave you the script.
You walk into a conversation, and suddenly, there are all these unspoken rules, subtle cues, and hidden expectations that people just seem to understand. Meanwhile, you are trying to figure out when to speak, what to say, how much eye contact is too much, and whether you’re coming off as awkward or uninterested.
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many autistic people, especially Black autistic people, struggle with social interactions, not because we don’t want to connect, but because the rules were never explained to us in a way that made sense.
Let’s break down why socializing feels this way and how to navigate it.
Why Does Socializing Feel Like an Unwritten Script?
Neurotypical People Communicate with Unspoken Rules
- Social interactions aren’t just about words… they include tone, body language, facial expressions, and shared cultural expectations.
- Many people pick up these rules naturally through observation, but autistic brains process social information differently, which makes it harder to pick up on those cues.
Conversations Move Too Fast
- Social interactions often feel rushed and unpredictable. By the time you process what was said, the conversation has already moved on.
- This can make it feel like you are always one step behind, trying to catch up while everyone else flows naturally.
There Are Too Many Variables
- Every conversation has shifting dynamics… Who is leading? What is the tone? Are jokes welcome? Should you keep it serious?
- These things change depending on who you are talking to, where you are, and the cultural context, making it hard to find stable rules to follow.
People Expect You to Just “Get It”
- Many neurotypical people don’t realize social rules aren’t universal. They assume everyone understands sarcasm, indirect communication, and small talk.
- If you ask for clarification or struggle to keep up, you might get labeled as awkward, blunt, or not paying attention when in reality, you just process social information differently.
How This Affects Black Autistic People
For Black autistic people, socializing comes with extra layers of expectation.
✔ Code-Switching Adds Another Layer of Masking
- Many of us grew up being taught that how we speak, behave, and present ourselves matters more than it does for others.
- If you had to learn how to adjust your speech, tone, or mannerisms depending on whether you were around family, friends, or work settings, that’s an extra level of mental effort.
✔ Respectability Politics Make Social Mistakes Riskier
- Many Black autistic people were raised in environments where not getting social rules right wasn’t just awkward… it was dangerous.
- If you were too blunt, you might have been seen as disrespectful. If you missed a social cue, you might have been labeled as rude, careless, or uninterested.
- The pressure to always present “correctly” in order to be taken seriously adds even more stress to social interactions.
✔ “You Talk White” or “You’re Not Black Enough” Conversations
- If you learned social skills from books, TV, or mimicking others, you might have been told that you sounded unnatural or inauthentic.
- Socializing might feel even harder when you are constantly trying to find the right balance between fitting in and being yourself.
How to Navigate Socializing When It Feels Like an Unwritten Script
If social interactions feel overwhelming, confusing, or exhausting, there are ways to make them more manageable.
❤ Give Yourself Permission to Socialize in Your Own Way
- You don’t have to force yourself into neurotypical social norms that don’t feel natural.
- Some people thrive in deep one-on-one conversations rather than big groups… Others prefer parallel socializing like gaming, watching a show, or working on a project together.
❤ Observe Without Overthinking
- Instead of memorizing social rules, focus on patterns… How do people start and end conversations? What signals do they use when they want to talk versus when they want to leave?
- Let go of the idea that you have to “perform” correctly… sometimes, just listening and responding in a way that feels natural to you is enough.
❤ Use Social Scripts If They Help… but Don’t Rely on Them
- Having pre-thought responses can make interactions easier, like knowing how to respond when someone asks, “How are you?”
- Just be careful not to overuse scripts to the point where they become stressful to maintain… You don’t have to sound perfect to be understood.
❤ Set Boundaries for Social Energy
- If socializing drains you, give yourself recovery time after high-energy interactions.
- If a certain setting always leaves you feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to limit how often you go or leave early when needed.
❤ Find People Who Speak Your Social Language
- Some people just “get” your communication style without you having to adjust or explain yourself.
- Prioritize friendships and communities where you feel comfortable being yourself without masking every moment.
If socializing feels like an unwritten script you never got, it’s not because you are failing… it’s because the world assumes everyone learns social rules the same way.
You deserve relationships and conversations that feel natural, safe, and fulfilling… not ones where you constantly feel like you are playing catch-up.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey❤