Discovering you’re autistic as an adult can feel like a relief… but it can also bring grief.
✔ You start looking back at your life through a new lens, realizing that so much could have been different if you’d known sooner.
✔ You might mourn the time you spent masking, struggling, or feeling “broken.”
✔ You might feel angry at yourself, at the people who didn’t notice, at the systems that failed you.
And that’s okay. Grief is part of self-acceptance. You’re not just learning who you are… you’re also letting go of who you thought you had to be.
Why Grief Happens After an Autism Discovery
✔ Realizing How Much You Struggled Alone
- You spent years (maybe decades) pushing through exhaustion, misunderstandings, and self-doubt without the right support.
- It’s hard not to wonder, “What if I had known sooner? What could have been different?”
✔ Feeling Like You Were Lied To
- Society made you believe your struggles were a personal failing instead of a neurological difference.
- You may feel betrayed by family, teachers, doctors, or even yourself.
✔ Letting Go of Who You Tried to Be
- You spent so long performing, pretending, and adjusting that you don’t even know who the “real you” is.
- Accepting yourself now means unlearning old survival habits and that can feel like losing a part of yourself.
✔ Wishing You Had Been Treated Differently
- If you grew up punished for traits that were actually autistic, grief can feel like rage, sadness, and exhaustion all at once.
- It’s valid to mourn the kindness, patience, and understanding you should have received.
How to Move from Grief to Self-Acceptance
✔ Step 1: Allow Yourself to Feel Everything
- There’s no “wrong” way to grieve. Some days, you’ll feel angry. Other days, you’ll feel numb.
- Don’t rush yourself into “toxic positivity”. Healing takes time.
✔ Step 2: Recognize That You Did the Best You Could
- You survived the way you had to with the tools, knowledge, and support you had at the time.
- You are not weak, broken, or behind.
✔ Step 3: Get to Know Your Authentic Self
- What do you like, outside of expectations?
- What feels natural vs. forced in your daily life?
- What old habits no longer serve you?
✔ Step 4: Reparent Yourself with Compassion
- Be the understanding, patient, supportive voice that you needed as a child.
- Give yourself permission to rest, to stim, to unmask, to exist freely.
✔ Step 5: Focus on the Future, Not Just the Past
- Yes, you could view the past as “lost time”… but now, you have the chance to build a life that actually works for you.
- Every day, you get to choose self-acceptance over self-blame.
Grieving the “old you” doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for self-discovery. It means you understand how much you went through to get here.
Honor that. Let yourself feel it. And then, when you’re ready, step into the life that was always meant for you.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey. ❤