Friendship shouldn’t feel like a performance but for many Black autistic adults, that’s exactly what it’s been.
✔ We’ve masked, code-switched, and adjusted ourselves to fit in.
✔ We’ve been labeled as “too much,” “too intense,” or “too quiet.”
✔ We’ve had friendships that felt draining instead of fulfilling.
So how do we build friendships that feel natural, safe, and aligned with who we actually are? Let’s talk about it.
Why Making & Keeping Friends Can Feel So Hard
✔ Friendship Expectations Are Built for Neurotypicals
- Small talk, constant texting, spontaneous plans. These don’t always work for autistic people.
- Many of us prefer deep connections, predictable social time, and clear communication.
✔ We’ve Been Conditioned to People-Please
- To avoid rejection, many of us have learned to overextend ourselves, ignore our discomfort, and tolerate one-sided friendships.
- But real friendship shouldn’t require masking.
✔ We Struggle to Find People Who “Get It”
- If you’ve ever been the “quirky” friend, the quiet one, or the one who’s left out, you know how isolating it feels.
- Many of us worry that we’ll never find friendships that feel safe and mutual.
How to Build Friendships That Work for You
✔ Step 1: Be Honest About What You Need in a Friendship
- Do you prefer scheduled plans over spontaneous hangouts?
- Do you need friends who are okay with long periods of no contact?
- Understanding your own needs helps you find the right people.
✔ Step 2: Look for Like-Minded & Neurodivergent-Friendly Spaces
- Find friendships in places where people already share your interests or experiences.
- Options include:
- Online spaces for Black autistic & neurodivergent folks.
- Hobby-based communities (gaming, writing, music, etc.).
- Support groups or safe meetup spaces.
✔ Step 3: Test the Waters Before Committing
- Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with someone.
- Do you feel energized, understood, and accepted? Or drained, anxious, and misunderstood?
✔ Step 4: Set Boundaries Without Guilt
- If a friendship is one-sided, stressful, or built on you over-explaining yourself, it’s okay to step back.
- The right friends will respect your needs without making you feel guilty for them.
✔ Step 5: Let Go of the Idea That Friendship Has to Look a Certain Way
- Some friendships are built on deep conversations. Others are based on shared interests or quiet companionship.
- You don’t need daily check-ins, constant texting, or typical “social rules” to have meaningful connections.
Friendship should feel safe, fulfilling, and energizing, not like a performance.
You don’t have to change yourself to be worthy of connection. The right friendships will meet you where you are.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey. ❤