For many Black autistic adults, communicating our needs to family, friends, and partners can feel impossible.
✔ We were raised to believe “talking back” was disrespectful.
✔ Our feelings were dismissed with “you’ll be fine” or “stop overreacting.”
✔ We were expected to adapt to others instead of advocating for ourselves.
But here’s the truth: Your needs are valid. Your boundaries are valid. And you are allowed to express them without guilt.
Why It Feels So Hard to Express Your Needs
✔ Fear of Rejection or Dismissal
- Many of us grew up hearing “Why are you being difficult?” or “It’s not that serious.”
- It’s exhausting to explain yourself when people refuse to listen.
✔ Struggles with Verbalizing Needs
- Some of us struggle with alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions) we know something’s wrong, but we can’t always explain it.
- Others may freeze up in conversations or worry about saying the “wrong” thing.
✔ Cultural Expectations to “Push Through”
- Black families often value resilience, independence, and emotional strength.
- Expressing our needs can be misinterpreted as being weak, lazy, or ungrateful.
How to Express Your Needs Without Guilt
✔ Step 1: Identify & Understand Your Needs First
- If you struggle to express what you need, try writing it down first.
- Example: “Loud family gatherings drain me. I need quiet time afterward to recover.”
✔ Step 2: Use Clear, Direct Language
- Instead of apologizing or over-explaining, be straightforward.
- “I need to leave early because I’m overstimulated.”
- “Please don’t touch me when I’m overwhelmed… it makes it worse.”
✔ Step 3: Set Boundaries & Stick to Them
- If someone ignores your needs, remind them once after that… protect your energy.
- “I’ve explained this before. I need you to respect my boundary.”
✔ Step 4: Accept That Not Everyone Will Understand
- Some people will refuse to listen… that’s not your fault.
- Focus on those who support and respect you, not those who demand you change.
✔ Step 5: Practice Self-Compassion
- Your needs matter. Your feelings matter. You don’t have to earn the right to advocate for yourself.
Communicating your needs isn’t easy especially when you’ve been dismissed in the past. But you deserve to be heard, respected, and supported.
Start small, stand firm, and remember: you are allowed to take up space.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey. ❤