If you’ve ever struggled to say no, felt guilty for putting yourself first, or agreed to things just to avoid conflict, you’re not alone.
For many Black autistic people, setting boundaries is complicated.
✔ We were raised with the expectation to be accommodating, helpful, and “strong” at all times.
✔ Many of us were punished for asserting ourselves or having different needs.
✔ The fear of being seen as “difficult,” “selfish,” or “rude” makes boundary-setting feel impossible.
But here’s the truth: Setting boundaries isn’t about being mean, it’s about protecting your energy.
Why Boundaries Feel Hard
✔ We Were Taught to Prioritize Others Over Ourselves
- Many of us grew up hearing “Don’t be disrespectful” anytime we spoke up about our needs.
- Saying no might feel wrong, uncomfortable, or even scary because we were never taught how.
✔ We Fear Rejection or Backlash
- If we grew up in environments where our boundaries weren’t respected, we might assume setting them will always lead to conflict.
- RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) can make boundary-setting feel terrifying… but avoiding boundaries leads to burnout.
✔ We’ve Been Expected to “Go Along to Get Along”
- Code-switching, masking, social exhaustion… it all makes us feel like we have to adapt to others instead of prioritizing ourselves.
How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
✔ Step 1: Accept That Boundaries Are Necessary, Not Selfish
- Boundaries aren’t about controlling others… they’re about protecting yourself.
- People who respect you will respect your boundaries.
✔ Step 2: Start Small & Practice in Low-Stakes Situations
- You don’t have to start with major confrontations. Begin with small, everyday boundaries.
- Examples:
- “I can’t talk right now, but I’ll text you later.”
- “I’m not up for socializing today, let’s plan for another time.”
✔ Step 3: Use Scripts If You Need Them
- If boundary-setting feels hard, prepare responses in advance.
- “I need to step away for a bit. I’ll check in later.”
- “I can’t take on that extra work right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”
✔ Step 4: Let Go of the Need for Approval
- Not everyone will like your boundaries and that’s okay.
- You don’t have to explain, justify, or over-apologize for prioritizing yourself.
✔ Step 5: Create a Plan for Boundary-Pushers
- Some people will try to push past your boundaries.
- Stand firm:
- “I’ve already said no, and I need you to respect that.”
- “If you continue to ignore my boundaries, I will need to step back from this conversation.”
✔ Step 6: Give Yourself Permission to Walk Away
- If someone continually disrespects your boundaries, you are not obligated to keep them in your life.
- Your peace is more important than keeping people happy at your expense.
Setting boundaries is hard, especially when you’ve been conditioned to prioritize everyone else first. But you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, expectations, or discomfort.
You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put yourself first. And you are allowed to take up space without guilt.
As always… take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and know that you are not alone in this journey. ❤